he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
