We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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