This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My feet surprised me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
