Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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