Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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