Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
