that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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