So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
