You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
