just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
