The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVEâ€
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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