yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
