I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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