Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Let's get the cat blown out
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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