imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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