I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
