turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
A bitchslap is in order.
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