He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So many bounce houses so little time
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
