if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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