i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
