Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize