New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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