so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
