just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
your like the ambassador to my penis.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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