We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Blood and glitter go together right?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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