I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize