I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
