Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
