If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
