shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Houston, we have a blender
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
