Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
