My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
