i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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