hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
