It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
