Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
