im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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