I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
no, he came in my armpit
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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