im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
