I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
