I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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