The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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