Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
