i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize