you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
