I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I want her autograph on my taint
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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