I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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