I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
