I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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