Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
