Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
