wrigley field is MILF paradise
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Randomize
