In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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