Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
