I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
