dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
