If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
