I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
