I haven't been this sober since birth.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
