she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
