I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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