How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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