A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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