Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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