That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
